


Heather

by jeliza358



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phanfic - Fandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, phanfiction - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Romance, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25149460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeliza358/pseuds/jeliza358
Summary: Dan wishes he were Heather.'You gave her your sweater. It's just polyester, but you like her better. Wish I was Heather.'
Relationships: Dan Howel/Phil Lester - Relationship, Phil Lester/Heather
Kudos: 4





	1. 3rd of December

**Author's Note:**

> *trigger warning*  
> This story will involve potential character death as well as mentions of depression, self harm, and suicide. If any of these things have the potential to trigger you please do not read this story.  
> ————  
> This will be part 1 of 2 stories under the same name and premise, but this one is purely angst while the other one will be longer and happier. So stick around if angst is what you're looking for lol
> 
> I recommend you listen to Heather by Conan Gray before reading this story, as the lyrics are what it is based off of.
> 
> Enjoy!

*Dan's POV*  
I'll always remember the 3rd of December. That stupid party. Those stupid soft, overly cheerful, winter sweaters. I wish I had successfully convinced him to stay home that night... maybe then it wouldn't have ended this way.  
————  
-December 3rd, 2014-  
Phil's blue eyes lit up when we got out of the taxi, bundled up against the freezing December weather. The cold couldn't touch the warmth there that I so admire, the look that could melt even the most frigid of hearts as it did to mine. But he couldn't know that. My best friend for so many years, it would mess everything up if I told him I'm sure. So I keep it in, and keep getting lost in his eyes when he's not looking.  
I watched as he took in the lights glinting off the snowy ground. I'm sure it was beautiful, but I was too busy watching his reactions to really see. He glanced over at me after a second quizzically, "What? Do I have something on my face?" he asked.  
I blushed after realizing my staring was all too obvious, "No... I just was zoning out, you know?" I lied unconvincingly.  
He studied me for a second but decided not to push it thankfully. "Alright, let's head inside then; I think most everyone else is already here."  
We were headed to this dumb annual winter party that our town held. Seriously, it wasn't even Christmas or holiday themed, just winter. I didn't really want to go, but Phil thought it would be good for us to get out of the house and I couldn't deny that it had been a while so I gave in. He even had us wear winter themed sweaters, thankfully I got to choose an unobtrusive navy one. Phil's however, was a colorful monstrosity of red and gold.  
I followed him inside the building strung with holiday lights, dragging my feet through the snow in displeasure at the thought of facing however many strangers within. It was just... I didn't really get along with people, not the way Phil did. He was so bright and bubbly and perfect. There was no other word for him, just perfect. I couldn't be good enough for him, the difference was so obvious. I was just an awkward little afterthought, a shadow, clinging to the sun that is Phil. I'm sure everyone else saw it that way too, except him for some reason. He seemed to think I was worthy of his goodness and kindness, and for that I was so grateful. He was more than I could ask for but I couldn't bring myself to hope that he would ever feel the way I felt for him. I knew that it was self destructive to hang on to him like that, but what other choice did I have. He was my life, the light that kept my own darkness at bay.  
We entered through the foyer, the dull carpeted floor damp and muddy where others had tracked snow in. I cringed as my shoes squished into the sludgy mixture and looked to Phil for where to go next. He gestured for me to follow him, "Let's put our coats in the closet before we go say hello to everyone, I don't want to carry them around the whole time."  
I nodded in agreement, following him down a narrow side hall to a door. We walked into the small closet, shedding our many warm layers and revealing the sweaters Phil had insisted upon. He chatted on about possibly seeing other people from our flat there while I tried to stay out of his way in the cramped space, feeling my cheeks warm slightly when his hand or arm would brush up against my side. After we finished hanging our coats he paused in his rambling, looking at me critically. "W-what?" I asked nervously, trying to take a step back in the small space to escape his harsh gaze. It was so unlike him to look anything but cheerful.  
"Well..." he paused and suddenly broke into his usual lopsided grin. "I just think it would be nice if you actually wore some colors for once, even your 'festive' sweater is just a dark color."  
I rolled my eyes at that, of course Phil would think of that now instead of when we were actually buying the sweaters. "Well maybe I would've got something more colorful if you'd told me that when we were buying them, now I'm stuck with this one." I shot back teasingly.  
"You could wear mine, I wouldn't mind!" Phil said eagerly. "We could just switch for the party!"  
I smiled at him softly. It was so like him to offer something like that. Well, if it would make him happy I'd do it a thousand times over, even if it was for something silly like this.  
"Alright, let's switch then. But you're getting it right back after; I can't have something so atrociously bright as that messing up my wardrobe." I grinned at him cheekily.  
He beamed at that, beginning to struggle with his sweater in order to remove his arms from it. I glanced away quickly, knowing that I wouldn't want to be caught dead staring at the sliver of pale skin peeking out above his waistband as the sweater pulled his undershirt up. I blushed at that thought knowing that I was staring anyways and tried to focus on removing my own sweater without making a fool of myself. A pang shot through me when I realized I was lost in fantasy again. I had to make myself realize it was never going to happen. He wasn't interested, period. Though, I couldn't help but notice his eyes glance towards my torso as my own undershirt rode up to expose the top of my hips. Maybe... maybe there was a chance that he could feel at least a little something? But I just couldn't take that risk on wishful thinking. We exchanged our sweaters silently, along with soft smiles.  
I pulled his over my head, breathing in the scent of him that clung to it and noticing how soft it was. I looked over to find him with mine on already, looking disheveled but somehow even more perfect. The navy material highlighted the brilliant blue of his eyes and make his pale skin stand stark against everything else. He seemed otherworldly, and the way he gazed at me with such warmth was the best complement. "It looks better on you than it does me," he said with a slight tint to his cheeks, "The colors look lovely with your eyes."  
I looked away, also blushing slightly. Did he really mean that?  
He smiled at me again, a little awkwardly, and nudged his head in the direction of the door. "Let's go visit with everyone else," he said reaching for the doorknob.  
I almost reached out for his hand, not wanting the moment to end, but I couldn't justify it to myself. How pathetic would that seem to him? Just wait a minute Phil so I can have you to myself for just a few more seconds. Yeah, right. I wouldn't blame anyone for leaving me alone if I did something like that, let alone someone as amazing as Phil. I followed him out the door and back down the hallway, bracing myself for the night to come.

————  
Yay first chapter! Sorry it's not that long, but next time there might be a little mistletoe action and a lot more angst so look forwards to that. I'll try to update soon.


	2. 3rd of December: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s taken so long to update, I hope y’all enjoy this chapter!

*Dan’s POV*  
I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my black jeans as I reluctantly followed Phil out of the closet. Even though the night had only just begun, I found myself wishing that it was already over. All I wanted was to be home with Phil again, where I wasn’t so afraid of saying something stupid and screwing everything up. Not everyone was so accepting of my awkward nature as Phil was, so it tended to put a damper on things when I inevitability let something idiotic come tumbling from my lips. Better not to try at all, I thought, instead of letting everyone down.   
Lost in these less than cheerful thoughts, I scowled and walked behind Phil absentmindedly. I almost didn’t notice him stop walking in time to prevent myself from bumping into his back and sending us sprawling to the floor. Just what I would need on a night like that, to make a complete fool of myself in front of everyone. “What the hell Phil, why did you stop in the middle of the hall?” I asked brusquely, still caught up in my foul mood.   
My deep scowl faded into a puzzled look though, as Phil turned around with a cheeky grin on his face. “Dan,” he said coyly, “look at the ceiling.”   
I let my eyes wonder upwards in confusion, looking for what caused such a sudden stop. My face rapidly heated as I saw it. “No. Absolutely not Phil, I’m not participating in a tradition as stupid as mistletoe.”   
I couldn’t... I knew it couldn’t turn out well. Not when it really meant something to me. This couldn’t be happening. But it was. Phil was already getting closer, looking through his dark lashes at me in an almost shy way, starkly in contrast with the playful expression he was wearing previously. Could this mean that he really did feel something for me? I felt light headed as I closed my eyes, waiting for him to kiss me... and almost jumped as he pressed his lips gently into my cheek.   
My heart beat wildly at that, feeling like a bird fluttering it’s wings, while a small lance of pain drove through it. What did I expect really? Why would he ever kiss me? I stumbled back from his touch, feeling my face heat even more still. Phil looked a little concerned at my sudden movement away, but it didn’t seem like he realized what was wrong. Good, he can’t know how that made me feel. Both thrilled and defeated, as I knew now that he really had no idea the effect he had on me.   
“Dan, are you alright?” Phil asked, growing more concerned.   
I realized I was still tensed up and pulled away, probably still glowing red in the face as well. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I know you don’t really like being touched, but I didn’t think it would bother you that much. I’m so sorry Dan.”   
His blue eyes brimmed with tears now, and a deep furrow sat between his brows. I wanted to reach out and smooth it away, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea. “No, no, I’m ok Phil. Just surprised.” I said hurriedly.   
I couldn’t let him think that my stupid reaction was his fault, he didn’t deserve to hurt like that. I already took enough from him by just being around, my clouds couldn’t be allowed to interfere with his light. He relaxed a bit at this, the furrow between his brows fading. “Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”   
I shook my head, knowing the true problem was something I couldn’t reveal. “Of course Phil. I’m fine, truly. Now let’s hurry and get to the...”   
I trailed off as I saw Phil’s distracted expression looking over my shoulder. I looked behind me, confused. Then I saw her. Turning back to Phil, I watched his eyes as she walked by, completely mesmerized. I crumpled into myself at this, knowing I could never captivate Phil the way this girl did. I’m not even half as pretty, I thought, sinking into even more of a depressed daze. In what world could I think that Phil would ever be interested in someone like me, a shadow, a burden. Especially when there was someone like her, brighter than the blue sky and the perfect complement to the sun that is Phil. As she finally walked out of view, Phil’s attention slowly refocused on me. “What were you saying Dan? I got a little distracted,” he said sheepishly.   
I was too numb in my dispair to keep my voice normal, but I did my best. “I was just saying we should get to the party,” I said, tacking a fragile smile to the end.   
He perked up at this, reminded of our goal here. “Let’s go then!” He exclaimed, grabbing one sleeve of my sweater and dragging me towards the noise.

~

Sorry if it’s trash, I haven’t written in a while. More coming soon hopefully, I swear I’ll get to the dramatic stuff eventually!


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